The Return

And here I am...unabashedly returning to the forgotten therapy of blogging.

It's been some time since I sputtered my thoughts down onto a page or scarmbled the keys until ill attempts at the english language birthed the squanderings of a grumpy old man trapped in a young man's body to fruition. However, now, I read the word therapy, and as I've gone back and read the pasts scribblings of my life, I can't help but think how horribly pathetic and immature I was then. And I can vividly recall the exact way I felt when writing those words. The situations I was in. The fears that I felt. The "not so much a regret"'s; where you don't regret anything, but would maybe change one thing you'd do differently. You refer to it as a "not so much a regret" because you've extensively analyzed everything in such great detail, the one thing you decided to change was the only possible thing that would not make the situation have had a different outcome in any way possible. But you'd just feel better about everything. And there it is. Therapy.

For me, just the fluidity of writing heals the soul. Letting whatever comes out just flow, that one thing you can do that just let's you expel the trapped thoughts and emotions from your brain. It's difficult to find for some people. I only recently realized writing was mine, as per above. But I encourage you to find that one thing for you that you know will help. It's not always the same. Sometimes it can be that one breakdown in that song. You know, where the drummer does that ridiculous drum solo with drum triggers and plays off of the reversed delay of his own drumming. Yeah, but that only happened once for me, but I'm sure at least one person knows what I'm talking about, other wise people wouldn't enjoy music so damn much...and there's the grumpy old man. But thats what's different now, the grumpy old man wasn't a part of my past scribblings. Thanks therapy. You bitch.

I've given a lot of thought to this idea of growing up. I fought it most my life. Unintentionally. I was just naive. By the time I wasn't naive anymore, I was so cynical, I wouldn't have accepted an apology from a puppy. But the change was like a light switch. Grown up.

Sometimes accepting your reality is hard to do. As an introvert, I can quite easily get lost in my own world. Sometimes they blend a little, and that's where the growing up gets hard. We can struggle to keep ourselves from ourselves. It was ok when we were kids. But now we have responsibilities. Thanks responsibilities. You bitch.

Sorry, I found myself in another rant, and thought I should keep the structure going.

Maybe the whole point of having to read the past scribblings of your life is to be able to remember how young you used to be so you can see how far you've come. Although mostly, it just makes you realize how foolish you are and were.

Life is interesting to me. I think I've reached the point where I've realized that it's kinda shitty to be alive. It's really not so easy being alive for most people. And we, who struggle with our lives yet aren't quite the same people who are stuck in a country that is in the midst of war. Or, you know, can at least afford to eat once a day. Well, we all take that for granted, I think. And there is nothing wrong with being someone who just doesn't care about himself long enough to help someone else make their life just that smidgen better. But in the past, I've whined and moaned and bickered about it. Now, its just life.

It's just life. We all have to live it. Let's just help each other through it.

Time to put on the "big boy pants" and accept the apologies of some puppies.

Wait...

Neglected Blog

Oh neglected blog...I will start utilizing you once again.

The Words We Search For...

I remember it easy to fill pages or text boxes with words, painting landscapes of mediocre, narcissistic literary jargon and then thinking I was smart. Now I spend time searching for smarter writers quotes to express my thoughts. Such a lazy task. But then again, thats assuming I can express my thoughts...and whats more, that my thoughts are worthy to be expressed. Who knows?

Twenty-three months ago I took a step in life that made me the happiest I've ever been. I love it, every second of it, however, I am slowly loosing my grip on it. Am I to take another step? The only step I have seems like a step backwards. Obviously things are never what they seem, but in knowing that, wouldn't it be exactly what it seems? One could be so wise as to pick the unexpected or know the unknown simply by the understanding of human nature, circumstances, and that of unseen Forces.

I don't know really, I find myself apathetic, thwarted, and depressed. I sit with a strong desire to fight for happiness, however, this strong sense of defeat seems to cradle me to sleep night after night.

Sometimes I find myself watching seconds tick on a clock. It reminds me that time moves on whether we want it to or not, but we still have the option to be objective to it or be slaves in it. I equate the ticking of seconds to that of the ripples of water, and though I've said it before, I am a bath toy ship afloat the raging sea. A simple toy in the reality and vastness of a real ocean. Attempting to be an adult with Monopoly money and pretending that I can muster up real emotions. Which makes me feel I've contradicted myself, perhaps I can't be depressed if I can't feel anything. I find this whole thing annoying really, I remember almost a decade ago being told I needed medication to curb chronic depression. The medication made me so numb and apathetic that I didn't care about anything. So I stopped taking it. It was better to feel something than to fake being happy and feeling nothing.

Now here I am, a few ticks of seconds later, and its like I never stopped taking that medication. Hopefully I'll soon find a solution, or at least a substitute. I'll just let a few more seconds tick by and see where my feet lead me.

A year...a lifetime...

Hello again...

I can't even begin to apologize adequately for my absence on this blog. I used to write so often when I was younger in the days of xanga before Facebook and Myspace. I'm amazed by how much Facebook can accomplish.

My heart goes out to all of the families in Christchurch. I know the pain and loss that I feel, and I can't imagine that on top of loosing a home or an entire city. These people have a strength here that seems unparalleled. These are strong people. These people love. I've been taken aback by how much support, love, thoughts and prayers I've received. I can not thank everyone enough.

My heart aches so badly for families far away from here. I feel so helpless, and I will do everything in my power to help.

I am so thankful for the people in my life, and the the people who have inspired me and helped shape me.

I've learned to truly Love, and it is a Love with out condition.

Faithfully Yours,

Shawn

Ahh, New Zealand

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JARkLg_lHFo

SO FUNNY!

Im sorry

I've so neglected this blog...but settling into the new flat and job and getting internet has proved more difficult than I thought it would be. So I promise, much more will be posted soon.

hostel

living in a hostel is fun...

meeting people is fun...

met a guy from Auckland we call Jersey Shore...

two Germans Marco and Maria

Alex from England

and Rachel from Ohio.

good times.