Twenty-three months ago I took a step in life that made me the happiest I've ever been. I love it, every second of it, however, I am slowly loosing my grip on it. Am I to take another step? The only step I have seems like a step backwards. Obviously things are never what they seem, but in knowing that, wouldn't it be exactly what it seems? One could be so wise as to pick the unexpected or know the unknown simply by the understanding of human nature, circumstances, and that of unseen Forces.
I don't know really, I find myself apathetic, thwarted, and depressed. I sit with a strong desire to fight for happiness, however, this strong sense of defeat seems to cradle me to sleep night after night.
Sometimes I find myself watching seconds tick on a clock. It reminds me that time moves on whether we want it to or not, but we still have the option to be objective to it or be slaves in it. I equate the ticking of seconds to that of the ripples of water, and though I've said it before, I am a bath toy ship afloat the raging sea. A simple toy in the reality and vastness of a real ocean. Attempting to be an adult with Monopoly money and pretending that I can muster up real emotions. Which makes me feel I've contradicted myself, perhaps I can't be depressed if I can't feel anything. I find this whole thing annoying really, I remember almost a decade ago being told I needed medication to curb chronic depression. The medication made me so numb and apathetic that I didn't care about anything. So I stopped taking it. It was better to feel something than to fake being happy and feeling nothing.
Now here I am, a few ticks of seconds later, and its like I never stopped taking that medication. Hopefully I'll soon find a solution, or at least a substitute. I'll just let a few more seconds tick by and see where my feet lead me.
