Reflection.

Well, that was a whiney and bitchy previous post, eh, what can you do, the joys of alcohol induced self-loathing mixed with the severe lack of ability to express emotions I suppose.


Moving on.


It's been a long time since a new album has hit me right at the correct moment.

I hesitated upon the downloading of Arcade Fire's "Reflektor," but eventually succumbed to the curiosity of if they've created something I'd like as much as their first album "Funeral."


Upon first listen, I'm not disappointed. It does seem to be a mish-mosh of all the bands you're supposed to like and credit with your musical foundations. And it does make me reflect. Oh the reflection.


I struggle quite often with how weird I am. It's always a surprise to me when someone finds something new about me that isn't "normal." It happens often enough that I'm not even able to pass this off as a "we're all weird in our own way" situation and accept the fact, that though there is a percentage of people similar, I am a little weird.


Not too long ago I had a conversation via email with a psychiatrist about a personality disorder I found to explain a lot of who I was and why I was weird, this disorder is known as "Schizoid Personalty Disorder."Now, yes, there is such a thing as being a hypochondriac, but this stems a bit different than a simple dismissal of "you're thinking about this too much." But I digress, in this email conversation, I laid out a few of my symptoms and how they matched up with signs of having this disorder. The psychiatrist was very helpful, and though she obviously could not diagnose me over email, she agreed that I would seem to have found an answer to my wacky weird brain.


The brief definition of this disorder is a personality disorder characterized by a lack of interest in social relationships, a tendency towards a solitary lifestyle, secretiveness, emotional coldness, and apathy. Affected individuals may simultaneously demonstrate a rich, elaborate and exclusively internal fantasy world. (from wikipedia, yes, I know...wikipedia...)




I often am not driven to meet new people or have social relationships. I adore a solitary lifestyle and secretiveness. Apathy, I have apathy in spades. Emotional coldness is tricky. The circumstances of my childhood and upbringing have shaped me into, for lack of a better word, an empath, yet obviously I'm not a superhero or mutant in this respect. From an early age, I learned that if I could figure out the feelings of a person, I could better understand their actions. Once I could explain their actions by knowing their feelings, I knew how to diffuse a "situation" that was getting out of control. I didn't actually care too much, I just know that I could find peace and solace if there was no "situation" at all.

I'm a good listener and able to spew semi-wise sounding phrases that may or may not fit the speakers venting, yet most times it's pretty applicable, but thats just from observing life more than partaking. In scary situations I seem to remain calm and emotionally cold. Emotions fester, of course, but people typically react quickly to an emotion rather than stop and take into account why the emotion is felt. I do this by replaying everything I can remember in every conversation I have. I analyze everything, to what everyone was feeling when they said what they said, facial expressions, what I said, what I think my facial expressions were, what I could have said differently, etc. That's weird. But it's my fantasy world.

I get trapped in my fantasy world quite often. Sometimes in the middle of a sentence someone is speaking to me. I can't help it. I'm safer in my head, and realize how aloof I appear sometimes, yet I think I've come a long way in wearing a mask to portray being in the moment.

I've found that in the last decade, my closest friends are those that don't require a lot of emotional closeness. Whether I seek this out intentionally or subconsciously, it happens. I've definitely missed a great deal of opportunities with relationships due to this. Some really great girls have come into my life, yet my incapacity to muster the desire to want emotional closeness weighs heavy. It takes awhile to come across someone that I potentially think I could finally break through with, yet every time without fail (ironically failing is the one thing I'm sure to achieve), I seem to get stuck in a pattern. I enjoy the friendship of these relationships, yet am ok with there being no emotional or physical intimacy.

It's a frustrating contradiction to have emotions and feelings of being lonely, yet the ease and option of simply going out and meeting someone becomes intangible due to the sheer lack of ability to tolerate someone else's emotions and allowing them into my personal bubble. Infuriating.

There is a list of nine criteria for Schizoid Personality Disorder. One must show four of the nine to be considered to have SPD. I have eight and a half. The other one and a half contain the capacity for argument in favour of me exemplifying the traits.

All of this brings me back to reflection. For us humans struggling through this life together, part of growing up is reflecting on ourselves, the actions we've taken, words we've said, experiences we've shared and looking for those patterns that emerge. The little clues unlocking explanation into why we acted a certain way, what emotion we had when we acted, why that emotion was felt, how the result occurred and the emotion of said result...

I think knowing I am a strong candidate for Schizoid Personality Disorder helps me wear a mask a little better out in the real world, however, maybe its time to take off the mask. I am a weird person, and I like the things that I like. I enjoy being alone. It's just annoying that I feel I want to be alone with someone else too.

We must know ourselves before we can fully know others, definitely not a new concept; however, a lack of prevalence in this highly technological age. Be honest and truthful with yourself and honesty and trust is something you'll be able to see in other people. When you find that honesty and trust, be their friend. You'll never know where it will lead, and most times not where you thought or wanted, but honesty and trust is something you should always find in your friends. Even if they sometimes are in your own internal fantasy world.