The Spark

Sometimes I get stuck.

Which leads to a ridiculous antic to get me unstuck.

I don't understand why I chose the catalysts I do, but they always seem to work. They're strange tasks or challenges that I put on myself, yet some how my whole paradigm can shift. I suppose thats just growing up. It's a "trying to read a newspaper through a keyhole" type of thing, one letter at a time but sometimes you get lucky and make out a whole word.

A spark.

When I have one of those moments where I make out a whole word, so to speak, it ignites something in me, most likely my OCD, but something that drives me to push my limits. When you're pushed passed your limits, your perspective changes. You're viewing everything you knew from a new angle. Examining every new detail. As if you were a pretentious indie movie director who has rich parents, but couldn't create if he farted magic, so his attention to detail is all he has. It gets tiresome, and I think I'm discovering its not healthy to be that analytical. It's a lot of time spent thinking about the past and, though not regretting, but thinking about what to do differently in the future. No wonder I barely have time for the present.

Sure learn from the past, and at least have some plan for the future, but I need to spend a little more time in the present. I suppose I'm sick of viewing life, or reading about it, or looking at pictures of it, or liking pictures of others living their lives, and the food they eat, for some reason. It's ok to just be. You don't always have to be happy, or be sad, or anything. You can simply be. Contentfuly existing.

My empathy A.D.D. makes it hard enough to live in the moment, let alone the constant day dreaming, it's relaxing to just get in there and live for myself a little bit. It seems so many choices are made pretending I'm the old man on the other side of the door holding the newspaper, rather than the boy peering through the keyhole. The boy can't grow up to be the old man reading the paper if he doesn't go outside and experience things.

Practice.

 I'm trying to do better staying in the moment, and it's the biggest challenge I've ever attempted. But it's truly showing a lot of what you could miss if you were only in your head.